babies.

I have always been one to say that I do not want children ANY time soon. It's been a long running joke among my friends that I will wait as long as possible before I start having kids, so you definitely won't see me in a family way until I'm about 35.  Lately, this feeling has changed.
I still don't want to have children very soon, but I have this new found love for babies. Last semester I worked in a classroom of infants and went from knowing absolutely nothing about them and having zero experience, to becoming a baby master (that is not true, but I did learn a lot and became very comfortable and capable). I'm babysitting a 5 month old tonight and I love her, and I hardly know her. She spent most of the evening crying and throwing up on me, but I still love her and she isn't even my baby.  A couple weeks ago I babysat the Hamilton's kids with Molly, and I seriously considered stealing Caedmon away from them and keeping him for myself.
Babies love you, and hold your hand, and smile and laugh and cry. Many people are afraid of them, because they can't talk or tell you what is wrong.  I am not afraid! I think they communicate better than most humans do. They let you know how they feel, without holding back. They are great. And they are miracles.
Oh man, I love babies.

birthday.

Yesterday was my birthday, April 27th, which is my favorite day of the year. I love it more than other holidays because it is a day that doesn't belong to anyone else (except for people who were also born on that day, but I don't know them). I love celebrating Christ's birth and resurrection on those holidays, but I celebrate those things everyday with the freedom I have in Jesus. I don't need special days to celebrate Christ. I kind of do need a special day to celebrate myself. It was a great day, and I was made aware of how loved and blessed I am by the people in my life, as I am every year. But it was also a sad day.
On the way to dessert at the Melting Pot we got trapped in an intense hail storm under a green sky and several tornado warnings.  We sought shelter under an overhang while we decided how best to get safely home. I thought our weather was bad. I was definitely afraid of potential tornadoes affecting us at the wig wam, and was terribly sad to find that Effie had suffered some intense hail damage, along with my roommates' cars. The parking lot of the Woodlands was a disaster zone, the damage done by winds and hail was crazy, and I thought it was bad.
I had no idea of what was going on in the rest of the south until we got home and turned on the news, fearful for our safety.  Terror and sadness filled my heart as I heard about a mile wide tornado that barreled through Tuscaloosa, along with many other tornadoes in several states across the south. Over 300 people died on April 27, 2011, and there was nothing that could be done. Yes, it would have been great if these people could have had basements or storm shelters, but ultimately, these forces of nature were unstoppable.   I am praising the Lord that everyone I know that experienced these storms is alive and well, and I'm in awe of His mercy and grace.
God is powerful. His love is powerful, His Creation is powerful, and His power is unstoppable.  I feel so many emotions as I am in awe of this power, thankful for His provision in keeping the people I love under the shelter of His wings, yet hurting for those who are experiencing so much loss and devastation.
It's so hard not knowing the answers for everything, and it's definitely a process trusting God through things that seem impossible, but I cling to what I know, and that is that I am blessed and I see His power in the good on a daily basis.  We aren't entitled to life here on earth. God has given us life, and that is a blessing every single day. So I celebrate, I cry, and I praise God through it all, because I know that He is good.

LOVE

Today, my time in the Word was pretty sweet. I am home, and I absolutely love being home. One of the best things about it (other than my family and my great dog, Millie) is that we live on this beautiful river and our back yard is awesome.  I decided to go for a canoe ride to have my quiet time this afternoon, and it was a pretty great idea, if I do say so myself.
As I was sitting there in the canoe, taking in the beauty of Creation around me, listening to music that has moved me in so many ways, and having spent the last 24 hours with people I really love, I realized that all of these wonderful things are nothing compared to what it will be like in heaven. We have no idea how awesome it is going to be. And, even greater, we actually get to GO.  And the reason we get to go is because of Jesus.
Incidentally (which we all know is not actually incidental because God is freaking sweet and plans cool stuff like this), I ended the book of Mark today, which tells the story of Jesus's death and resurrection.  How cool that it just happens to be on the day before Easter?  I was reading the story and really thinking about how, because of what I was reading, I am able to spend an eternity in heaven, which is far greater than anything I have ever experienced or could imagine.  I was so struck with the question of, 'Why???'  Why did Jesus die for me? I sit among the scoffers and beaters and throng that yelled, "Crucify him!" and yet, He died for me.  I almost can't handle the hugeness of that.  I have never been able to understand why. Why is my life so great? Why am I so blessed? Why does God love me? Why do I get to be a part of this Kingdom, and an eternity of bliss? I don't get it, and the only explanation is Love.
Jesus loves is in a way that we will never understand, never realize, and never come close to achieving ourselves. His love for us so far from anything that we could ever give to anyone, yet He gives it to us in completely selfless, unconditional, abounding ways.
This is what Easter is about. It is about Love.

Love so amazing, so divine, demands my soul, my life, my all.

tuesday.

I am encouraged today.  Tuesdays are long days for me and I am usually exhausted, irritated and ready to do nothing by the time I get home, but the past couple weeks God has given me a lot of joy on Tuesdays. I am encouraged by this. We ended our studies of Galatians in our b studs tonight, and I love that I can see the areas I've grown because of this Word.  I pray that I can carry this with me.  If you are reading this and you haven't studied or read Galatians, go do it. It has the power to change your life.

"For the one who sows to her own flesh will reap from the flesh corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life.  And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up."  Galatians 6:8-9

gee whiz.

In my behavioral psychology class this morning, we watched a video about cognitive mapping and capabilities in animals, and it was ridiculous. We watched about this lark that lives in the Grand Canyon that collects pine nuts in the warm months and buries them in the ground to save up for winter.  The thing is, this bird hides like, 33,000 pine nuts over thousands of square miles, and it is able to remember where it hid 90% of the nuts! months later! and it's looking for them in the snow!
Another segment of the video showed this woman literally conversing with a parrot.  She had a bunch of little balls made out of different materials, and she would ask the parrot, "Alex, how many yellow, wool balls are there?"  The bird would look around and then respond with the answer! She could ask him in many different ways and he would understand, count, and then answer. Amazing! and then the bird would ask if he could go eat. No joke.
Then, there was a chimpanzee who was told to count apples in one bin and oranges in another, and then add them up and go touch the total number on a computer screen.  He not only understood the command but he went and counted and added and got it right. No big deal. Ridiculous!
Lastly, there was a segment on pigeons. I hate pigeons, but this was pretty sweet. So, they showed a pigeon a series of pictures, and he learned that if he pecked the pictures of trees, he would get food, but he wouldn't get food pecking any of the other pictures.  That's pretty cool, but not shocking.  They decided to step it up a notch.  They showed the pigeon pictures of artwork, and he learned that pecking paintings by Picasso would get him food, while paintings by Monet would not.  What in the world??
I was sitting there watching this with my jaw to the floor with the rest of my class, and I was thinking about Genesis.  God gave us dominion over all the animals and He blessed us, not them (Gen 1:28).  If these creatures that He didn't even bless are capable of these ridiculous things, imagine what we can do! We were created to have relationship with Him, and that is what we have! The sky is the limit for us. What a blessing that is! I was just overcome with that this morning.

I was also overcome when, on my way to school this morning, I found that somehow a bird has managed to poop INSIDE my car.

got dolly?

Today, I've been working on getting my fundraising letters sent out regarding my summer at SMS STP 2011!! You've probably heard me talk about this, probably too much, probably loudly and obnoxiously and excitedly, but last summer I went to a summer training program with the Navs and it was SO WONDERFUL.  We lived in Pigeon Forge, worked at Dollywood (which I feel is now my home away from home), and studied the Bible, to say the least.  Before I went, I had this pretty big disdain for Pigeon Forge, which most Knoxville natives could easily understand.  Obnoxious. I couldn't believe I was going to be living there for 8 whole weeks or that I was going to be working at Dollywood, and I was embarrassed to tell people that I was doing it.  I felt God pushing me to go, however, so I went, and I can honestly say that it was the best decision I've ever made in my entire life.
It would be impossible for me to explain what exactly was so great about STP, but I can say that because the program was set up to be a "spiritual greenhouse," as they like to call it, the opportunities to spend in the Word were just abounding. So much of our lives were focused on imitating Christ and encouraging one another to do so.  There were aspects of life during those 8 weeks that were hard- weekly evangelism, living with 12 people in close quarters, not having any good friends there going in, and various other things that many of you have heard about that I will not disclose here.
Ultimately, it was a summer of GROWTH. God spoke to me through so many blessings and hardships and Scriptures and experiences, and I can truly say that I experienced transformation over the summer (that and Dollywood are a reason I am now obsessed with butterflies).  I loved it. I loved the people there, I loved my job, I loved learned to love spending time in the Word, and in the end, I loved Pigeon Forge.
AND I GET TO GO BACK!!!!!
I'm going back as a team leader, a pretty sweet, exciting, and scary position to be filling.  Team leaders lead a team (obviously) of 3 or 4 guys or gals and lead them in Bible study, one-to-one weekly meetings, and encourage and challenge them spiritually throughout the summer.  I have been praying about it this past year, and I have seen that God has not closed the door to this opportunity, but has left it wide open. That is super exciting and nerve wracking for me! The devil has been hard at work, shooting arrows of doubt and diminished self-worth my way, but I know that the Lord prevails EVERY TIME and that He can do a mighty work through even the weakest little sheep.
God is great. He will do work. He's already doing work. It is awesome.
I. am. so. excited. for. this. summer.

free

My one class for the day was cancelled. My day was completely free. Molly and I hung out in a hammock. I listened to music. I ate free food. I read the Bible. legit day.

indubitably.

Can I just talk about something that makes my life better? Getting to be part of the Nav freshmen girls' Bible study on Tuesday nights. I am not a freshman, but I love those gals.  We have been going through Galatians (along with all of the UT Navigators) and I have just absolutely loved talking about, observing, questioning, and studying this Word with those women.  We have great fun and great talks and it is indubitably a highlight of my week. And soon we will have a princess party.
Our topic of study last night? Galatians 5. I think this may be one of my favorite chapters of the book. I wanted to talk about a few things from our conversation that have really been in my mind recently.
1. Faith and love. "For in Christ, neither circumcision nor uncircumcision counts for anything, but faith expressing itself through love." (verse 6) When I asked what faith expressing itself through love might look like in our daily lives, I was thinking about how we could show our faith to others by loving them. I think that's pretty swell, but definitely not all there is to it! One of the girls, (shout out to HP, what what!) mentioned that it's also about expressing faith in God by loving Him, and doing good works because we love Him and have faith that He is good and He is God.
too. legit. to. quit.
In our study of Galatians, we have definitely learned that it's not about following the law, but it's about our faith in God.  That doesn't mean, however, that we should not do what God says is good just because that's not what it's about.  It's about loving God! It has really made me evaluate why I do the "good" things that I do, and I want to make sure that my love for God is what my faith is expressed through, not my love for myself or for things that are good.
2. Lump leavening. "You were running well. Who hindered you from obeying the truth? This persuasion is not from him who calls you. A little leaven leavens the whole lump." (verses 7-9)  This was a particularly fun one to get to the bottom of because we don't talk a lot about lumps being leavened in our every day lives at the University of Tennessee.  We learned (through 1 Cor 5:6-8) that we want to rid ourselves of the old leaven and become a "new lump" of unleavened dough, since that's why Christ died for us!  Paul is asking the Galatians, "What happened to you? Who is tripping you up? A little leaven leavens the whole lump!" Basically, even a smidgen of bad can spread throughout our whole lives to make us lose sight of the goal.  A question I had was, What is leavening your lump? What are you letting slide in your daily life, in your relationship with God or others, or in your actions, that is affecting or has the potential to affect all other areas of your life? (in a negative way). I'm still working on this one. Definitely valuable to consider.
3. Freedom. "But you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another." (verse 13) How can we use the fact that we are free to love and serve one another? Because we have this ridiculous freedom in Christ, we have the ability to love and serve the people around us in ways that we couldn't if we were still enslaved. How can we appreciate and use that freedom in the way we are able to love the people in our lives?  There is something special about the way we can love, because we have a great reason to love.  and that reason is Love.

And of course, the fruits of the Spirit- love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. Against such things there is no law.

Let us keep in step with the Spirit!

just so wrong.

So, still reading Mark.  Isn't it funny that when we read the Bible, and it's a passage in which the disciples just really don't understand or say something really stupid to Jesus, we are just baffled at their ignorance and can't believe they are so dumb?  Like we know better?! At least Jesus got in their faces when they were wrong and they realized it immediately! I, on the other hand, am very often wrong, but I go along thinking I'm very right for quite some time before Jesus gets in my face.  That typically isn't a very pretty picture.
In Mark chapter 8, Jesus and His disciples are on a boat and the men start freaking out because they realize they've forgotten to bring food, and there is only one loaf of bread between them.  I would think that's a pretty good reason to worry, typically.  The only thing is, they had Jesus with them. So, worrying in general was probably just a pretty dumb idea.  The even bigger deal, however, is that they had JUST seen Jesus provide for several thousand people on numerous occasions with very little food.  Very recently, He had provided for 5,000 men (+ women and children) with only 12 loaves of bread and a few fish, and then on another occasion fed 4,000 with seven loaves and some fish.  Yet, they were worried because there were twelve of them and one loaf of bread. Whatever would they do??
Again, story of my life. God provides, my cup is overflowing, all of my needs are met and then some.  Along comes a bump in the road and I am at a loss at what I will do, this dilemma is so huge, and my life MUST be over.  Again, I am forgetting that Jesus just fed a large bunch of people with a few pieces of bread.

Talitha cumi.

I have been hanging out in Mark the past couple days, and it is sweeeeeet. There have been multiple times as I'm reading it that I'll find myself with my jaw dropped or mind blown or writing frantically, or all of the above. Usually all of the above. There have been a few things about it especially that I just cannot get over.
Christ came to heal the broken, and He did it by being with them.  Definitely a motif for the book is, "He took him/her by the hand..."  I went through and underlined, and 10 times throughout the book Jesus heals people by taking them by the hand, or laying his hands on them, or (my favorite) "taking them in His arms."  Not only does Jesus go and hang out with the sinners, tax collectors, diseased, disabled, and even DEAD people, but He loves them and reaches out to them physically to show His love and bring healing.  I think that is so great. And now, just like He did then, regardless of how messed up or sinful or sick or broken we are, Jesus continually takes us by the hand and loves us.  DON'T YOU JUST LOVE HIM? I mean, you can't really get better than that!
One of my favorite instances in which He does this is in chapter 5. Jairus, one of the rulers of the synagogue, had come to Jesus to beg him to save the life of his sick little girl. As Jesus headed there, a woman in the crowd who had been bleeding for 12 years reached out in faith to touch the hem of His robes, knowing that even that little contact with Him would heal her.  It did. Feeling the power go out of Him, Jesus stopped to find out who had touched His garments and then bless her for her faith.
Meanwhile, Jairus's daughter had died, and a guy came to tell Jesus not to bother coming to heal her, but Jesus went anyway.  Amidst the wailing and sorrow of her parents and mockery from people who thought he was crazy, "taking her by the hand He said to her, 'Talitha cumi,' which means, 'Little girl, I say to you, arise.'" And then she just DID.
I read that passage and knew that God was speaking those same words to me.  It was actually a pretty eerie moment. How many times have I heard Him say, "Little girl, I say to you, arise"?  I can't count the times!  What is the point of living my life aside from the fact that Jesus has taken me by the hand and healed me, raised me up, so that I can truly LIVE?  This is the kind of thing that makes me want to yell loudly! It is just so full of good.
There are so many other great things I've taken away from Mark, so this definitely isn't the end of my marveling and you probably will hear more about this in the future.  But just think about that. Jesus isn't afraid to take us by the hand or into His arms, no matter how gross, messy, blind, broken, or dead we may be.  He lavishes us with personal love on the regular.
Goodness me! I love it!

i've got a reason to live.

promise?

Tonight I was driving in my car on the way to Walgreens, singing loudly with my roommate, windows rolled down, music turned way up, and there was a split second when I had this amazing picture of what God has done in so many people's hearts even in just the past semester.  I love having short, unexpected moments like that with God where He's like, oh hey I'm going to hit you in the face with My power and glory and love when you least expect it.  So that was tonight.

I've been thinking lately a lot about His promises, especially the ones where He promises to do work when we try to do work for Him.  I get so excited when I think about how much I want to influence people for Christ around me and then I am hit hard with Satan's arrows. You are just Kathryn. You are kind of loud and a little too much for some people. You know God, but how can you expect to help others to know God? You will try to show others this God that you know, but you will fail. 

Creepy, right? It actually pisses me off that the devil's lies can seep into even the extremely positive areas of my life, even into my relationship with God, and I just believe them!  I would love to be able to say that once I remember God's truths and promises, the devil is done forever and I never have to deal with him again, but I can't.  What I can say, though, is that God trumps him every time. And that is sweet.

God trumps him with stuff like this,

"For as the rain and snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall be my word that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it."  Isaiah 55:10-11

and this, 

"Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee." James 4:7

and this,

"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him."   James 1:5

I can't always wrap my mind around these promises, but I claim them. I believe in them. I've seen them carried out and I trust that that will never change. legit.

To bring it all back together, satan is also trumped when I think about how much God has done in my life and in the lives around me. It is beautiful and full of light.

climb every mountain.

Last night at Navs, we talked about faith. My story with God has involved a lot of me questioning my faith.  I worked with a woman named Sharon at Dollywood last year who talked to me about her faith- she was ridiculously strong and had a life so full of struggles and pain that at times I felt overwhelmed just hearing her stories.  I really loved her and shed a few tears over her hardships, and I couldn't believe everything she had gone through, but she had faith.  Sharon questioned absolutely nothing about God's plan.  She didn't understand why her life had to be so hard but she was ok with that.  I was blown away by our conversations on the topic. Sharon was a huge inspiration for me.  I wish I could say that have a similar story, blindly trusting God even when life hurts and I don't know why.  That's not the case.
I don't know what gets me, probably the fact that part of me feels like God and Jesus are too good to be true, but I often struggle with my faith in the power or even existence of God. I kind of went through a stage in which I quit trying in my relationship with God and therefore my feelings of closeness with Him lessened, my faith in Him weakened, and I ended up losing it completely.  The sweet thing about God is that He never loses faith.
"...if we are faithless, He remains faithful- for He cannot deny Himself." 2 Timothy 2:13
If God is unchanging and continually faithful, I can trust that even if my faith is the size of a mustard seed, He will use it to move a mountain.
I have seen God use even tiny bits of faith to change hearts and lives completely. I love that God does not need us to tell the world about His grace, but He uses us to do it anyway, often when we aren't trying at all.  It is literally nothing of us, completely from Him, and we are just tools He uses to bring glory to His name.  Dennis said something pretty legit last night-  "God doesn't save us just so that we will stop sinning or be perfect. He saves us so that we can bring glory to Him."
We've been studying Galatians and I have been shocked to discover how similar I am to the Pharisees and can even relate to them.  Paul was a man with faith abounding, literally changing everything about his life because of how much he believed in the power of Christ.  I am more of a rule follower. Read the Bible, check. Have a good quiet time, check. Have a spiritual conversation with someone, check.
None of these are things that are going to bring me "more" salvation.  Obviously, I know this, but I don't really think I live it.
Faith is what brings us salvation. Faith is what moves mountains. Faith is what changes lives. Nothing that I can do will EVER achieve anything of these things, and THAT is reason to rejoice.

(another reason I am currently rejoicing- I am listening to the Sound of Music soundtrack.)

My cup overflows.

This morning as I got out of bed, I was overwhelmed with the realization of how much the Lord has blessed me.  First of all, in just accepting and claiming the truth that God is faithful, His mercies never come to an end, they are new every morning (Lam 3:22-3).  I mean, this is TRUE.  Literally, it is morning, and I know that I am covered by His love.  I experience His mercies and grace on a daily basis.  I'm sitting here listening to my roommate sing loudly to Justin Bieber in her room as she's getting ready for the day, and I realize how much I love my life.  That may seem like a silly reason, but that is where I find God's love and grace. In the fact that He loves us enough to forgo giving us what we deserve and instead lavishes His grace upon us in the huge and small things.  And how great is it that He knows exactly what can make my day? I love it.
You may have noticed that I claim to be a sheep.  I love that God gives us so many examples of what we can relate to His relationship with us.  The picture of being the sheep of His hand (Ps. 95), with Him as my Shepherd (Ps. 23) is one that I particularly connect with and strive to actualize in my life.  I want to be a sheep, blindly following my Shepherd, trusting in Him.  I also find great comfort in knowing that even if all 99 of the other sheep on are track, He will still come back to get me when I go the wrong way, for His love is that great for me (Luke 15, Isaiah 53).  I can see the ways in which He has been my Shepherd, making me lie down in green pastures (not brown- I'm allergic to hay), and leading me beside still waters instead of dangerous, whirpooly white water (I'm not the best swimmer).  Not only does He keep me from danger and dissatisfaction, but He goes above and beyond, filling up my cup and then some.
I would try to sit here and describe all of the things and people God has put in my life that are making my cup spill over, but I honestly don't think I could actually put it into words.
I'm thankful that God created me to be His child, to be in relationship with Him, and because He loves me. I'm also thankful for this...

"The Lord is my Shepherd; I have all that I need." Psalm 23:1

blegh.

I'm sick. My throat feels like a small band of termites are playing the spoons and tap dancing all up and down it.  Sounds fun, but it's actually not quite the party it seems like. So, that's a downside.
Upside, I can walk. Training for a half marathon, I messed up a tendon in the arch of my foot, and I went from high intensity exercising every day to wearing a boot and hobbling around for two weeks.  While I was injured, I sat and thought about what God could be teaching me through my immobility.  Usually, I'd think the lesson here would be that God is breaking me so I have to slow down and listen to what He's saying, or take time to rest and be still, but I didn't feel like that was my lesson.  I realized through a conversation with my friend Pamela that maybe God wasn't breaking me to break me, but to heal me.  I always talk about how I believe in God's ultimate authority, how He has a plan and He could make the world stop turning if He wanted, but I don't think I actually believed that He could heal my foot.  I "trusted" in God's plan for my life down to the minute, but was more focused on what I could do to heal myself, instead of relying on and believing in Him. He decided He would do it anyway.  I went from being unable to walk on Friday to walking all around Cades Cove on Saturday morning, no pain at all in my foot.
Miraculous, really.
So it was a great weekend, camping with the gals, walking and biking and feeling no pain, beautiful weather- praise God for healing! All is well in Kathryn's world.  Except that part of what made the weekend so beautiful was the plants and pollen. Sunday night, I get sick. Monday afternoon- asthma attack in the middle of class. That hasn't happened since I was about 12 years old.  Talk about a set back! Tuesday- lay on the couch all day, fuzzy brained, blowing my nose, filling my body with medicine and coffee and watching copious amounts of Law & Order: SVU (with Stabler the babeler).  Seriously, God? Why can't a girl catch a break?!
The thing is, I've actually realized that I'm back to the same place I was with my foot.  God can make the sun stop shining, create new life inside Pamela Teten's body, and hold the mountains in the palm of His hand, but I find myself unable to believe that He'll make my respiratory problems go away. Wrong. and ridiculous.

If I were God, I would seriously take my privileges away. It's like I never learn.

"I have loved you with an everlasting love. Therefore, I have continued my faithfulness to you." Jeremiah 31:3

it's legit.

So I have this part of my life that I want to write down.  Actually, it's not just part- it's the whole thing. It's the reason I live and breathe, the reason I am filled with overflowing joy that brings light into every area of my life.  It's this thing where, I am the daughter of the King, a daughter of promise, and I am lavished upon with love on the regular.  So that's what I think I'll do, and then I'll tell my mom to go check out my blog sometime.