What's the plan?

My life of late has been pretty confusing.  I'm 23 years old and have no idea what I want to do with my life, and I feel like I'm kind of running out of time to make a decision.  There have been some things going on relationally in my life and I don't really know why they've happened.  And as you all know, my cousin is not doing well, and I've spent a lot of time questioning God- not His goodness, sovereignty, or His love, but simply His plan.  It's hard to see sometimes why God has chosen the plans He has for our lives.  I trust that they are good, and I know that His ways are higher than my ways, His thoughts higher than my thoughts (Isaiah 55), but I am not always sure what He's doing.  I know that we're not really supposed to be sure all the time, and a huge part of trusting God is not knowing or understanding what He's doing, but believing in His faithfulness.  Heck, if we always knew exactly why He was doing something, or if we were consistently tickled pink with His plans, what would be so noble about trusting Him? It would be no great feat, and we would not actually have to relinquish too much control.
He's promised us several things about what He's doing in our lives:
Phil 1:6 "... He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Christ Jesus."
Jeremiah 29:11 "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord.  'Plans for wholeness and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.'"
Psalm 62:5 "Trust in Him at all times, O people, pour out your hearts to Him. God is a refuge for us."
and my new fave,
Heb 12:10-11 "..but He disciplines us for our good, that we might share His holiness.  For at the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to all who are trained by it."
Psalm 37:4-5 "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.  Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him, and He will act."
Normally, my blog posts start with me sharing a question I have and then getting super excited and explaining how I found the answer in Scripture. That isn't the case today. These verses are encouraging and further support my understanding that He is good and soveriegn, but I still don't understand His plan and perhaps I never will.  The thing that is encouraging to me here is that He never promises that we're going to understand His plan.  He's the One who's in charge, not us. Is my faith in His perfect goodness and all consuming power enough to counteract my lack of concrete knowledge of His plan?
My answer is "yes," and at times it's quite a difficult "yes" to say. BUT I do believe that "yes" is all He wants from us.

Jesus loves the little children...

It's been a hard few days for my family.  My cousin Dylan, who is now ten, was diagnosed with brain cancer five years ago.  For the last five years he has been battling tumors that have taken over his body in several places, and he has been a victor on numerous occassions.  No one could have imagined he would have smashed this cancer so many times, for such a long time. He is such a champ.  He's had it rougher than most people have in 80 years of living, and he is a little boy.  If you met Dylan, though, you wouldn't see a little boy with cancer.  You would see a hilarious, strong, high energy, fun loving brother, son, and cousin who loves Ben 10.  So many times I've sat and watched him wrestle with my brother (who is 24) for long periods of time, only stopping because Stuart is too tired.  The kid is tough.
Yesterday, Dylan's family (also my family) found out after a long week of seizures and hospitalization that the tumors have covered his brain and the situation is very bad- worse than it has ever been.  After such a long battle, it's heartbreaking to hear this.   I don't know everything about the situation, but I do know they are beginning some palliative radiation, to at least bring him some comfort.  Everyone is very sad- the doctors and my family- in a way that is more serious than ever before.  I pray for Dylan. I pray for Dylan so hard, so so so hard- that the Lord would heal him, that he would be comforted, that he would be strong. I love him and he is my cousin, but I can't imagine how my aunt and uncle feel, how his brother, Chandler feels... how Dylan feels.  I've been hanging on to this passage lately:
"Jesus said, 'Let the little children come to me; do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God.  Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.' And He took them in His arms and blessed them, laying His hands on them."         Mark 10:14-16
Even in this heartbreaking time, I rejoice in knowing that the Jesus who took the little children in His arms and blessed them is the same Jesus who is doing that now.  My prayer is that he would take Dylan, and our whole family, into his arms and bless us.  I trust that He is all powerful, but more importantly, that He is good, whatever His will may be.  I know that His love for all of His children has conquered death, and that is the only hope we can cling to, in any and every season.

discipline: my new bff

So it's August 31st, and I can confidently say that the Lord has used the month of August to show me more discipline than ever before in my 23 years of living. At first, I didn't realize what was happening. I just thought, wow, this component of my life sucks! Without going into detail about what exactly has gone on, I will say that I've just experienced some trying situations in which the Lord has really tested me. It's like He has been saying to me, "Ok, Kath, so what is it that's really important to you? Is it getting what you want, or serving Me, loving Me, and loving others?" While I would like to say my life is about serving the Lord because I LOVE HIM and can see His goodness so regularly, it gets really real when you don't get something that you want and can't understand why. I was talking with Pamela about this seemingly impossible situation and she suggested I read Hebrews 12. So we read it together. Talk about a whammy of a passage:

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

How the heck am I supposed to run with endurance the race that is set before me when there's all this earthly crap that I want weighing me down? That's where the discipline comes in- when God says, "Ok, you don't get to have any of that crap, anyway. I'll make you lighter."

Then it talks about how God disciplines us because He is our Father and He loves us.

...He disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness.11 For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

Ok, so he makes us more like Him by disciplining us. Oh wait, so that means that discipline is a privilege??? Heck yes it is! It is proof that God loves you! So I came to two conclusions:

1. I complain way too much, am embarrassingly dramatic and ridiculously self-centered. None of this was new information.

2. If you are ever experiencing anything in life that is unpleasant, you truly can rejoice in your trials. Not because it says we are supposed to in the Bible, but because it means that you aren't getting what you want and that is called DISCIPLINE!!! And discipline is proof that the God of the universe loves you and cares enough about you to give you opportunities to become more like Him.

Get out of here! This is great!

a summer without Dolly...

This is the first summer in three years that I have not been at STP.  Somehow this is a huge relief and slightly heartbreaking at the same time.  My summers with the Navigators have shaped me, refined me, given me such joy and many obstacles to overcome, and the Lord has been faithful through it all.  Through my time working at Dollywood, I learned that even if a job is boring, monotonous, hot, sweaty, and overall not fun, the Lord can use it, and He can also use me in it.  I found that the people I worked with had their own lives and problems, and God provided opportunities for me to step into their lives for a season and form actual, lasting relationships.  Relationships that involved prayer, encouragement, hugs, and love. That is something I had never experienced in the five years I worked at a restaurant before going to a summer training program.  I've said that STPs have changed my life, and a mission I have been given is to serve and honor God in every position I'm put in, especially wherever I end up working.  Then the actual job came.
As I started work as a server at a restaurant here in Knoxville a few weeks ago, I found myself slipping into my "server Kathryn" persona, the girl who had never gone to a summer training program, never engaged in deep, spiritual relationships with co-workers, and never really worked to glorify God and not herself. My conversations with people at work mostly involved listening to their complaints about tables, other servers, managers, and not much else. I found that I wasn't seeking to get to know these people, or even go to the effort to learn their names. Around this time, the summer training program was beginning in the Forge and I was finding myself feeling weird and sad that I wasn't there, that I didn't have something filling up my time all day every day, that I wasn't going to spend the summer making new friends and studying the Word with them, and that I wasn't going to be working at Dollywood.  During a quiet time before work one day, I realized that this summer really is going to be different, and that's the way God intended it to be. BUT it doesn't have to be any less rewarding, refining, and intentional than any other summer I've had in the Forge.
I've resolved to make a change. To be myself while I'm working (a follower of Christ, a weird, quirky person, a joyful woman of God, etc.), to study the Bible, to spend time in prayer, to make this summer count for something. for the Lord. for eternity! FOR FREEDOM!!!!
and so... yeah.
Ask me about it sometime.

spit and mud.

We're studying John this year with the Nav Bible studies, and last night with the sophomore ladies we talked about John 9.  In this chapter, Jesus heals a man born blind by spitting in the dirt and rubbing the mud on the man's eyes. He told the man to go wash in the pool of Siloam, and he did so and came back seeing.  There are so many components of this chapter that are really interesting to talk about (yet another miracle he performed on the Sabbath, the Pharisees' blindness in comparison to the man, Jesus' attention given to yet another person usually ignored by society), but my main take aways were from the things that the man did in response to Jesus.
First, I think it's really cool that Jesus gave the man a choice.  He could have snapped his fingers and healed the man right there, but instead he put the mud on his face and then told the man to do something in response, wash in the pool.  I can see a reflection of my personal relationship with Christ in this interaction.  Jesus is there, willing to do wondrous things in my life, but I have the choice to follow him or stay sitting where I am.  The man was blessed because of what Jesus did for him and because of his own willingness to trust Jesus and his plan.  Often, God blesses me even when I choose not to follow, which is indescribably good.  However, there is an irrefutable difference in my life from when I am walking with the Lord on a daily basis and when I am not.
Another aspect of this passage that I found challenging is towards the end of the chapter, an interaction between the man and Jesus.
JC: "Do you believe in the Son of Man?"
Man: "Who is he, sir? Tell me so that I may believe in him."
JC: You have now seen him, in fact, he is the one speaking with you."
Then, in verse 38, it says "Then the man said, 'Lord, I believe,' and he worshiped him."
This formerly blind man saw the things Jesus did and heard who He was, and simple as that, he worshiped Him for it.  This just really challenged me to do the same in my life.  Mary pointed out at Bible study what it must have been like to see Jesus face to face and worship Him, and what it would be like in our next time of corporate worship if we imagined He was standing right there at the front of the room.  The reality is that He will be there, because He has promised that to us in Matthew 18:20- "Wherever two or three are gathered in my Name, there am I among them."
How exciting is that?

thank goodness I remembered my password.

I recently saw that Mary Catherine and Stephanie have updated their blogs in the past semester, and Kirsten said that I haven't updated mine since July, which is definitely true.  God has been talking to me pretty much nonstop lately, and maybe it would be a good time to write it down. So I might do that again.